“Apocalyptic scenes” as the Irish stockpile alcohol prior to Good Friday

Witnesses at the scene of Tesco in Stillorgan, Co. Dublin, claimed that what they saw were “Apocalyptic scenes” and that it was apparent “desperate times are ahead”.

Since the beginning of this week, Irish people from all around the country have been raiding any and all establishments which sell alcohol – supermarkets, off-licences, local shops: so much so that there is expected to be no alcohol left on the shelves by tomorrow morning, according to economics expert Damien Rice.

“We see this every year, but it never ceases to amaze us. This time last week, supply was roughly on par with demand, all businesses had a decent stock of alcohol. Since people checked their calendars and remembered Good Friday is coming up soon, everyone has been going mad to get their hands on some booze. This has even opened up black market sales of alcohol, with prices reaching outrageous levels, such as 8 cans of Orchard Thieves for €19. This phenomenon continues to amaze us year in, year out.” explained Mr. Rice.

This “phenomenon” was first observed in Ireland in 1927, when it became illegal to purchase alcohol in most establishments on Good Friday. Ever since, people have been going crazy to be prepared, because god forbid we live one day sober.

Supermarket giants Tesco have even begun to capitalise on the huge demand by increasing all prices – even bottles of WKD are now €45 each, while single cans of Tesco-brand lager are €9 each.

This hasn’t stopped desperate consumers however – “I’ll do whatever it takes to have some drink in my house on Friday!” exclaimed an ecstatic woman carrying a machete and pistol in her holster. “All these bastards can get their alcohol after I’ve gotten mine!”

Eritas analysts expect there to even be raids on breweries by gangs of middle-aged Dads that forgot all about the Good Friday ban. Both the Guinness brewery and Jameson distillery in Dublin City have doubled their security.

Chaotic scenes will continue to ravage the country until this Good Friday. Follow Eritas for more updates on the situation.

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