As with any celebration ever, there is always associated drinking to mark the occasion.
Sometimes, however, normal drinking just doesn’t cut it. What if you could drink while it’s sunny, become completely wasted by 4pm AND pass out by 8pm? Introducing: day drinking.
Day drinking can be done by anyone anywhere, and this guide edition aims to help readers understand the most effective way to make as much of an idiot of themselves. Follow the following the steps for optimal damage to your liver, brain and self-respect.
- Start as early as possible
This one should be obvious, but it’s definitely worth mentioning to new-comers to alcoholism. The sooner you start drinking, the sadder you’ll look to others and the more inclined you will be to purchasing even more cans later on. Trust us, you don’t want to be missing out on this step. (Pro tip: have a can beside your alarm so that you can start as soon as you wake up!)
- A can of the cheapest lager is your only man
Day drinking is a marathon, not a sprint. You’re going to be drinking for hours on end, and cans don’t grow on trees! Save money by drinking absolutely disgusting-tasting beers, preferably supermarket own-brands or even a little something you brewed yourself you craft beer hipster prick. Eritas recommends only beers with a “wife-beater” reputation. (Pro tip: no matter how bad the cheap beer tastes, power through. Your taste buds tend to become numb to the horrible taste which helps you stay in the game.)
- Post your shenanigans on social media
You’re getting drunk while other people are at work or in college, tending to their responsibilities. Fuck ’em. You should let the world know how much fun you’re having. Post a picture of a beer in your hand on Facebook. Snapchat everyone a video of all the fun chants you’re all singing. Tweet about how fucked you plan on getting. Instagram a picture of your crate of bottles with #dayDrinking. Trust us, people like nothing more than seeing drunk pictures of you. (Pro tip: the more frequently you post the better. This may encourage others to become degenerates and join you in your day drinking!)
- Blast techno to make sure the neighbours know
In today’s world, people aren’t as friendly with their neighbours as would have been the case years ago. For this reason, they mightn’t see your social media posts about how you’re day drinking, but worry not! Loud music, preferably droning techno, is your best friend in this situation. It’s the drinking equivalent of a church bell being rung to call people to pray they can drink more. Some neighbours may call police, but they just don’t understand how things work. Now that you’re a bit drunk, you should try explain to them logically why they shouldn’t report your loud music. (Pro tip: if the neighbours don’t cooperate with you, it’s perfectly okay to get violent. Smashing something and threatening them will send a clear message that you’re not fucking around.)
- Hit the spirits!
Beer can only get you so far. After a while, it stops affecting you, hindering you from entering the next stage of getting shitfaced. This is where spirits come in. Be it vodka, rum, gin or tequila, hit the heavy shit before noon, otherwise you’re only having casual drinks, which is so shit, right? Don’t be afraid to get creative here; mix vodka with milk, gin with coffee, etc. It will get you to that next level of day drinking. (Pro tip: once you become an experienced day-drinker, you can skip the whole beer stage. Just start pounding shots from the second you’re awake.)
- Finally, be creative
Day drinking isn’t about following rules – it’s about breaking them. Sometimes it might feel right to piss on a car – do it. Sometimes you might wanna drive drunk – do it. Life’s too short to not live in the moment and do the first thing that pops into your drunken mind. (Pro tip: look up the things other drunk people do on YouTube such as jumping from their roof into a swimming pool and try and replicate it!)
We hope that you find this guide useful. Always remember that safety is important, but not as important as having a good time and getting blackout drunk!