A US national of Saudi descent by the name of Ahmed Al-Fartaziz has been detained by NYPD this morning for “releasing toxic nerve agents capable of killing thousands” in a cramped subway in the early hours of the morning.
Speaking to the press, Chief of Police James O’Neill had the following to say: “Although the man in question did release some nerve agent in the subway, thankfully only a small quantity escaped into the vicinity. The chemical weapon was released through the subject’s anus using a device unknown to us currently. Our highly trained men and women swiftly moved in to stop him. We have since cleared the tram which was attacked by the terrorist by spraying Febreeze.”
Mr. Al-Fartaziz appeared before the supreme court hours later where he pleaded innocent. “It was just a fart! I swear to you! I am not in isis, I am not a terrorist! I was just on my way to work and really needed to relieve myself. I regret doing it on the subway, but I couldn’t hold it in!”
President Trump tweeted about the incident, adding to his thirst to wipe out all non-white Americans:
@realDonaldTrump: “What a disgrace! HUGE win for the NYC police! USA! USA!”
@realDonaldTrump: “We need to combat terrorism like this here at home! That’s why I want to ban Mexicans. This guy was an Arab but that’s similar to Mexican. #buildTheWall”
The jury have yet to come to a verdict as to Mr. Fartaziz’s fate regarding the so-called attack, however an source close to one of the judges told Eritas that “the sentence will not be as harsh if found guilty as Mr. Fartaziz farted and did not poop.”
No links between Mr. Fartaziz and any terrorist organisations have yet been found.
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