After applying for the 2016th year in a row, Joseph of Nazareth is beginning to lose his patience. In his annual letter to the producers of the Jeremy Kyle show, the husband of the once-pregnant virgin Mary wrote:
“I’m getting fucking fed up. It’s been 2016 years, my wife’s kid has been killed, reborn, even had a religion created after him – and I can’t get a single appearance on the show!”
It’s understood that after over two millennia, Joseph is still bitter about his wife abstaining from sex in their marriage yet still becoming pregnant.
“I have 2016 years worth of pregnancy kits in my house. DO YOU REALISE HOW MUCH URINE THAT IS?! DO YOU?! Mary thinks I’M the creep, not the fucker who knocked her up!”
This isn’t the first time Joseph has acted up over tensions with his ex-fiancé. In 1902 when the term “Oh sweet Jaysus” was coined by Irish poet James Royce, Joseph insisted that the catchy phrase was an infringement of his rights over the name Jesus. Joseph is also currently involved in over 20 million lawsuits, mainly with Hispanic men named Jesús. Joseph has claimed that each Christmas period, he loses out on $2.7 billion worth of revenue to card companies due to their use of his copyrighted words.
“I believe that I’m at least owed some time on live television to explain myself, and while I’m there I’d like to do a DNA test on Mary’s kid to find out who the father is.”
The public figures suspected to be Jesus’ biological father all date back to around 2000 years ago – Michael D. Higgins, Santa Claus, Bill Clinton and Queen Elizabeth. Joseph has spoken to Bill Clinton who as always, denied he had sexual relations with that woman.
Eritas has reached out to Jeremy Kyle himself but are still awaiting a response. Joseph asked us to try not use any of his trademarked words, so Happi Xmas and a Happi New Yr from Eritas! Follow us for more in 2017.