Coke, Condoms, Craic – How Enda plans on spending his 13 billion

Following global headlines that Apple owe the Irish Government 13 billion euro in unpaid tax, Eritas wanted to speak to the great leader to gain an insight into how he plans on spending this bonus cheque.

“Obviously a big dirty rave in the Dáil, sure what else?” said Mr. Kenny. “We work hard, so we need to play hard. I’ve gotten in touch with some Colombian lads who said they’d sort us out with 14 kilos of the good stuff. Joanne is also in the process of opening a pipeline from the Guinness Brewery to Leinster House to keep the drinks flowing. And of course no party’s a party with STI’s around *cough* Gerry *cough*, so I’ve also ordered loads of Tesco value johnnies. Woo!”

Dáil spokesperson Spí Kerr also told media outlets that parliament won’t be in session for 6 consecutive days in November.

Mr. Kenny also held a meeting with Mr. Adams where the two plan on a “third time lucky” reunification of the north. “I’ve been pumping weights, working hard in the gym you know?” said Mr. Kenny. “I’d fancy my chances if I had to tear down the border with my own bare hands. People oftentimes call me special, and I think it’s because of my special strength abilities.”

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