Advice for incoming CAO students

Starting college can be a very exciting time for incoming students, and with many colleges and universities around the country resuming soon, we wanted to offer freshman students some tips and general advice for starting a new chapter in their life.

  • Your timetable for lectures and tutorials isn’t exact and you don’t need to attend most things. This is especially true if you scored highly in the Leaving Cert. Honestly, you only need to show up to your exams, and even those are kind of optional. College is all about drinking, over-eating, binge-watching and being poor. Ideally if/when you graduate, you shouldn’t know more than 3 people in your year.


  • Use this time to be a leech. Seriously. As a student, people expect you to be low on cash, even if you’re not – so use this opportunity to avail of every possible free, discounted or promotional offer you can get your greedy little hands on. College chic is based on wearing shirts that were thrown at you, sunglasses that were forced onto you and debit cards you felt like you needed to sign up for. Make sure to stock up on condoms, even if you’re in computer science – we’re sure you’ll probably bang a robot by 3rd year.


  • You should see your parents as free money, free meals and free dry cleaners. Your sole purpose in life is to be a source of expenditure for your parents, that’s why they’re paying for your tuition in the first place. Keep this banter with them going by constantly asking for money every week which you should shamelessly spend on alcohol, drugs and if studying in UL, knives.


  • Change your course if you picked Archaeology or Theology. We all make mistakes in life, and we’re sure it’s not too late to change course. Do something useful in life, something your parents don’t have to hide when talking to their friends. Something that won’t make you want to be eaten by a dinosaur or touched by a priest. Better options for you would be unemployment or emigration to Mars.


  • All the above advice doesn’t apply to Engineers. As an engineer, your workload won’t let you have time to make friends, socialise, leave your room/library. Just abandon hope of ever having a life and focus on building bridges or making cars. Preferably stay indoors as not many people want to see you.


  • Finally, Medicine students shouldn’t forget mandatory operation before starting their course!!! Since 2005, all students studying medicine are required by law to undergo a simple but effective procedure, known as “Head from arse removal”. This procedure only takes half an hour to complete but it keeps med students from having their heads so far up their own arses, lowering egos and cockiness levels by up to 80%.

We wish you the best of luck in your third level studies!


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