HISTORIC: Scientists at CERN solve physics

Monday the 15th of August 2016 will be remembered as a huge day in human history – in what seems like a too-good-to-be-true statement, CERN announced via a press conference in Geneva, Switzerland, earlier today that “all of physics has been fully solved”.

Leader of the project, Isaac Fizikson spoke about the discovery: “It’s certainly a miracle! We were looking at past data, and realised we forgot to carry a one in some of our additions. Fixing our calculations yielded the most unexpected outcome – we simply solved all of physics. We’re still not sure how everything works but let’s just say there will be fierce partying, and for many of the scientists, their first time having fun.”

Eritas understands that there is currently a 900-physicist rave going on at the Large Hadron Collider facility. It has been reported that 30kg of cocaine has been shipped in for celebrations and to help the physicists come to terms with the fact that their lives are meaningless now.

Many analysts now wonder what the next step forward is. To this Mr. Fizikson replied “Who gives a fuck we just solved physics! Eat a bag of dicks – we’re the kings, well at least while we still have money in our accounts, then we’ll be king cashiers at Burger King.”

Notable physicists around the world have praised the team’s accomplishment, including the notable Mr. Stephen Hawking. Unfortunately someone spilled beer on his wheelchair, causing him to only say “beep bop booooop”. Wise words indeed.

We would say “Follow Eritas for more updates” but there won’t be any on this. Do whatever floats your little boat.

 

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