Keeping up with the Kennys

Eritas News was given exclusive access from Mr. Kenny to gain an insight into a day in the life of the Kenny family.

Backstory: Enda’s oldest daughter Michaela has come home very intoxicated with an older man, both of whom were almost caught sneaking in by Enda’s wife Sandy. Meanwhile 11 year old Maximilian, is throwing a tantrum over his parents buying him the wrong iPhone. Lastly, butler to the Kenny household, Butlerio, holds a grudge against Mr. Kenny for an unknown reason.

We arrive at the Kenny mansion situated in the outskirts of Tír na nÓg. Mrs. Kenny greets us at the door and helps us off our horses. “Welcome, welcome, my dears. You must be exhausted after the trip. Come in for some tea and I’ll introduce you to the family.”

At 9am, all the Kennys are summoned downstairs at the sound of Amhrán na Bhfiann, two cannons are fired after the anthem finishes followed by Mr. Kenny screaming “Wooooo come on you boys in green!”

We speak to all of the family one by one to get to know them.

“I’m the man of this house, they call me bulldog sometimes.” says Enda. “I’ve always been a leader. From Taoiseach to captain of dishwashing, I excel at all leadership roles, it’s in my jeans. Actually speaking of my jeans, I was thinking of making Fridays casual around the Dáil, lighten up the mood d’you know?”

Mrs. Kenny tells us about how her husband can get over-excited from time to time “Yeah he’s a bit like a child in that sense. It’s the same with him talking shite about reuniting the Ireland. You can think of him as a puppy, wagging his tail, tonsgue out, all when he smells a biscuit. Give him a while, he’ll calm down when he’s sleepy. Speaking of sleep, Michaela’s been in her room for ages, she missed the anthem too. Must check in on her.”

As we make our way upstairs to meet Maximilian, we speak to Butlerio. “I don’t know why everyone here calls me that. My real name’s Phil. I think that smug prick just likes the idea of having a stereotypical latino butler. One of these days I’m gonna lose the plot with Enda. Once at a dinner party he let out a really bad silent fart, and blamed it on ‘Butlerio the silly sausage’. God give me patience.”

“GET OUT OF MY ROOM! I don’t want to talk to anyone, I’m so mad! I asked a bazillion times for a 6s not a 6. How hard is it to buy the right model? I might only be in primary school but I’m not an idiot!” says Maximilian as he throws himself on his bed. “You’d think that if that moron can get elected twice, he can tell the difference in phones.” Obviously not in the mood, we leave a temperamental Maximilian to follow the main development of the day – where’s Michaela?

The Eritas Team follows Mrs. Kenny as she and Phil bust open Michaela’s door to find herself and an Brian Cowen undressed, covered only by sheets. “It’s not what it looks like!” exclaims Michaela. “Butlerio, tell Dad I was only helping Brian get back into politics! I swear it’s not what it looks like!”

While Phil giggles in the background, Sandy is pulling Michaela out of the bed whilst roaring at Mr. Cowen. “How could you? You know we’re in Fine Gael! If Enda finds out he can have you shot, or worse – put as Minister of Finance! And you Eritas people, get out of my fucking house! Don’t publish any of this! Butlerio, show them the door!”

Instead, Phil takes us outside for some scones and tea. “I don’t get paid enough for this shite to be honest. The drama seems to be over, Brian’s caught around the house every few weeks anyway so it’s not big news.”

As the sun sets, another day has gone by at the Kenny household, so we mount ourselves back on the horses and head back to Eritas HQ.

Follow Eritas for updates on Mr. Cowen’s health.



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