Leaving Cert Results 2016

As Ireland holds its breath for the release of Leaving Certificate results this August 17th, Eritas News wanted to give our readers an insight into some of the interesting facts about this summer’s set of examinations. We spoke to Anne Kelly, spokesperson of the State Examinations Commission (SEC) to get a glimpse of how this generation of Leaving Certs has done and what we can expect in the near future.

A surprising 67% of students openly admitted to giving a shit about their CAO points, up 18% from 2015. This news comes as no shock, with ever increasing points for courses, teenagers can’t spend as much energy on looking slick as they used to be. They’ve had to prioritise their time into doing productive work and revision. 17 year old Siobhan Tracey from Wicklow said “It’s been tough on us you know? We’re not able to whinge as much on Facebook about our exams and how unfair the system is because it’s a tough crowd out there. Hoping for the best next week.”

Teachers still lying to students, saying the Leaving Cert “isn’t that big of a deal”. It is. Studies show that most students who achieve under 700 of the maximum 625 points die a slow and painful death. Those who survive are shipped to North Korea to work in a sweatshop, printing exam papers for future years. Grim.

One in four students still trying to bribe examiners. This one comes as no surprise to anyone. Last year over €17.3 million was generated in revenue through bribes alone by the SEC. Most bribes come in the form of €5 or €10 notes, with the odd €500 slipped in for Higher Level Maths papers. Mrs. Kelly said “We encourage students to continue bribing us. Next year we’ll include small brown envelopes to make the matter more private, we are a civilised commission after all. I hope to have enough from bribes next year to go on a booze cruise with the girls!”

SEC to introduce robot invigilators to crack down on cheating. Inspired by UCD’s very own Librocop, the SEC has decided that in 2017 it will be employing robot invigilators in most exam halls around the country. These robots will be fitted with HD cameras, tasers and cigarette dispensers to relieve stress. Mrs. Kelly, who herself is engaged to one such robot is optimistic. “My hubby and his robot pals are tough but fair. And you can use the taser in different ways in the bedroom, if you know what I mean”.

Preliminary statistics show 98% of all students who sat the Leaving Cert this summer failed all their exams. Unlucky guys.

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