Roy Hodgson resigns as England manager, signs 2-year contract with ISIS

Football manager Roy Hodgson (now Ro-ih Al-Hodgson) has announced where he will be taking his business following his resignation as England gaffer.

Speaking at a press conference, Al-Hodgson said “I’m fully committed to getting ISIS into the 2020 Euros. They’re not technically in Europe but following their recent attacks across the continent, they may as well be.”

“The lads don’t really know how to play football or what it is, but I’m confident I can help. Our levels of intelligence are about the same so we should be on the same page soon.”

Speaking about the tactics and formation that the team will use, Ro-ih said “Our plan A is a 4-3-3 formation, but of course these chaps have access to rocket launchers, AK’s, IED’s, possibly chemical weapons, so we’re sorted either way. Our team mascot is a goat as well, which I’ve chosen to boost morale.”

We asked Mr. Al-Hodgson if the language barrier will be an issue: “Well, not really. A lot of these gentlemen are from the west with fluent English. We all know that since they’re in ISIS, they only use a minuscule fraction of their brain, so I’m glad they’ll be able to use it all on football.”

The ISIS team are expected to wear fully black home jerseys and orange away kits. No details were given as to where the team will host other nations, however football pundit Michael Owen a.k.a Captain Obvious, said “I think it’ll be on some type of grassy landscape. Possibly have some stands around it, maybe seats. Just speculation so far.”

Not all of the starting XI have been announced, but there have been some big names thrown around: Suicide bomber 1, Suicide Bomber 2, Suicide Bomber 3, Gunman, Moron 1, Moron Suicide Bomber.

Al-Hodgson confirmed that the team will not be participating in the Rio Olympics due to the Zika virus. “The lads bang each other so much anyway, don’t need to mix Zika into this mess. Better safe than sorry.”

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