MINUTE-BY-MINUTE UPDATES ON SITUATION
21/6/2016 16:20 GMT – The Pope receives message on holy fax machine from an unknown sender. Message reads: “go 2 somewhere quiet, need 2 talk xx.”
16:21 – Vatican officials report seeing Pope Francis in the dedicated session room where “bread and wine” are consumed. The Pope spends 3 minutes inside alone speaking with the unknown person.
16:24 – The Pope busts open the doors, his face is “in complete shock and disbelief”, marches to the balcony and gathers people to listen.
16:25 – “Just got off the phone with god there guys, big news, gather round lads!” There are approximately 1,500 people listening to the Pope and #popesBigNews begins to trend on Twitter.
“Well there’s no easy way to break it to you, but that was god on the other side of the call, basically telling me he’s an Atheist.” The entire Vatican is silent in bewilderment. “He was like ‘I’ve been thinking things over, and yeah I just think that I’m not real and that religion is kinda made up.’ I said ‘God, are you sure? If you’re not real, then who am I talking to?’ And then your man says ‘Francis, you’ve been around that black and white smoke too much, you’re probably baked af…’ .”
The crowd begins to murmur, but the Pope interrupts – “Guys, let’s not freak out, but I don’t think this is a frape or anything, we’re gonna have to accept this as a fact it seems.” Noises coming from the crowd increase. “I will be handing out pamphlets suggesting what religion we’ll move to, but for now we’re just gonna have to worship the sun I suppose.”
The Pope, still seeming to be in disbelief of what he has heard, walks off the balcony, shaking his head.
17:03 – Other religious leaders around the world have emergency meetings to see what the fuck they’re supposed to do now. The Archbishop of Canterbury announces via a televised broadcast that “while this might just be a Catholic thing, we have noticed weaker signal reception when trying to message god, so we’ll have to get the IT crowd in to have a look at that.”
17:34 – God confirms the story via Twitter:
@mr.universe “Yeah, it’s true, you’ve been punked the last 2000 years. LOL! #god-1 #people-0 #imNotReal”
@mr.universe “Also I’m a vegan. Not relevant but you all need to know. Meat is murder.”
17:58 (now) – Nothing happens, life goes on as usual… for now.
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