Controversy surrounding the practices that happen behind doors at Tayto Park has resulted in the beginning of yet another investigation into how Mr. Tayto’s monopoly on the crisp enterprise operates.
According to whistleblower Pringle Walkers, Mr. Tayto has a 10,000 sq. ft. harvesting facility hidden 30 feet underground at Tayto Park. The documents leaked my Mr. Walkers claims that over half a million spuds are harvested daily for their internals in order to be used in the production of crisps.
“It’s absolutely shocking” said Mr. Walkers. “The Cheese & Onion department are the most barbaric – they don’t put the potato out of its misery before beginning to peel its skin off and throwing it in extremely hot oil. These violations of Potato Rights are much worse than anything I’ve ever seen before.”
The leaked documents have also prompted the UN to threaten to send in a search-and-rescue party if the allegations are found to be true. Ban Ki-Moon, Secretary General of the UN has said that all spuds are protected by international law and that this should not be happening in 2016. “I have readied 100 men to fly into Co. Meath if we have sufficient proof that such activities are happening.” declared Mr. Moon. “This is worse than North Korea and Guantanamo Bay combined.”
Until the issue is resolved, there has been a nation-wide ban on the possession and sales of any form of Tayto crisps. The shortage is expected to be temporary however, as knock-off brands are likely to capitalise on the situation.
Whistleblower Walkers has been placed under Garda protection and there is an on-going manhunt for Mr. Tayto. The nation holds its breath as it wonders how such an Irish icon descended into a life of evil.
Gardaí are appealing to any witnesses of Mr. Tayto in the last 48 hours to come forward. If found guilty, Mr. Tayto will be extradited to Hungary where he will be eaten.
Follow Eritas for updates on the story’s development.