Addressing the Dáil on Tuesday, the Taoiseach accused Fianna Fáil of using “witchcraft, magic and spells” to manipulate the weather, causing mayhem all over the country.
“While it does piss down a lot around here, we never get this much rain in the middle of bloody June. Those sunny days were the result of Fianna Fáil luring us into a false sense of security. They wanted us to lower our guard and be vulnerable – while the people of Ireland were out buying suncream and portable barbecues, Micheál Martin was menacingly planning his attack.”
The Fine Gael leader has used data collected from IT’s around the country to back up his accusations. “Our finest chaps working in DIT, AIT and GMIT all concur that this was definitely caused by Mr. Martin – there’s no doubt about it.”
Mid-way through Mr. Kenny’s speech, Gerry Adams TD interrupted to stress that he is not now nor has ever been involved in the IRA, followed by some shite about how this relates to water charges.
After the Dáil session, a Fianna Fáil spokesperson said “Sure you know yourself how Enda isn’t himself when he’s hungry – he’s just being a diva like, he needs some nuts. On an unrelated note, Snickers is now the official sponsor of the Fianna Fáil party.”
Mr. Kenny’s tweet that evening said: @EndaLuvzJoan “H8 wen evry1 wrex mi head lyk dat…@M_Martini defo caused d rain nd we all kno it..missin d sun 😦 #pissedoff #rain #iwantsun #hashtag”
It remains unknown what Mr. Martin’s motives were, and if he will ever put a stop to the downpours sweeping the country.
Stay tuned to Eritas for more updates.