At 0900 hours this morning, it was confirmed by the State Examinations Commission that numerous Leaving Certificate papers had been leaked to the department website.
In an announcement, spokesperson Anne Kelly revealed what had happened: “It wasn’t until we finished our daily 2 hour tea break that we realised what had happened. Jim in the printing department managed to press the ‘Leak to internet’ button instead of the ‘Send to printer’ button. While this is an understandable mistake, we saw how in 2009 there was loads of chaos caused by messing up the system”.
Kelly added “Look, it’s only the leaving cert lads. Honestly nobody gives a fuck about it as soon as you get into third level. Everyone needs to calm down, yeah?”.
The leaked material includes:
- HL French – “You are a wannabe English football hooligan. Write a letter to the local town mayor apologising for your recent actions and offer to kiss and make up with your Russian counterparts”.
- OL History – “Write an essay explaining why some Irish (good guys) joined the British (bad guys) in fighting Germany in WWI (a big war that happened a long time ago)”.
- HL Physics – “Using your knowledge of Quantum Mechanics, explain in detail how the lighting of a candle by an old lady gives luck to events. (You may assume the speed of light to be very fast) and draw a diagram”.
- OL Chemistry – “Come up with a smooth pick-up line using chemistry puns. One is already provided for you: ‘Hey baby, I got my ion you.’ “.
- HL Accounting – “Read the following text about the Panama papers and identify how you could apply these methods to cover the Government’s expenditure.”
- OL Technology – “Using the provided Kinder egg, figure out a way to open it and assemble the parts.”
- HL Agricultural Science – “In the oral section of the exam, do your best ‘moo’ noise [no extra marks awarded for looking like the animal]”.
“You might be thinking that those questions are quite current – and you’re right! We usually make out the papers and have them printed around October, but this year we just weren’t really arsed, so we decided to print them over the weekend before the exams. Obviously it didn’t work out well”
“We’ll also try to remember to remove the ‘Leak to internet’ button as well, who even put that there?”.
Can you answer the leaked questions? Or has the education system failed you too?
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