UCD Campus Security – Maintaining Law and Order

We were given exclusive press access to chat to some of the UCD Campus Security Force, to gain an insight into what it’s like saving the world from disaster – every single time.

Our day begins in the morning at the security checkpoint at Merville with Tom, a security veteran of 12 years. “I’ve seen some crazy shit in my day alright. You might think that’s rare, but if I got a euro for every time I seen birds like that I’d be able to afford a 2007 Ford Fiesta” he says as he nods to the girl walking around in last night’s clothes. “I tell ya now hey, those young’uns are the worst for it. Always go out, get hammered and regret doing whatever they did the night before. Not me. I’m glad I do meaningful work.”

As we cross the road, we’re acquainted with Rosie who is doing a perimeter patrol around the Roebuck complex. There’s a lot of wear and tear in the wooden fence around Roebuck, particularly at the back. “Pricks… They think fences grow on trees like? They need to cop on like! I’ve asked the General if we’re allowed to shoot down trespassers when we see them” she says, brandishing her 9mm pistol. “He says that officially we can’t but if my hand were to slip, it’d be filed as an accident like.” (Later we would look into the records and see 14 accidents like ‘Falling into a bottomless pit’ or ‘Teleporting into a different dimension’). “Some say we’re above the law in this joint, and I like to think we are like.”

Due to security issues, we’re forced to sprint to Belgrove, avoiding a few stray bullets along the way. As we struggle to catch our breath, we’re introduced to Paddy, the local Residential Assistant (RA). “Dey don’t call us RA’s for nathin’ d’ya know? Mosht of me n de bois would’ve been in da ra as yung lads. Some up in d’north, others in Louth or Donegal. We’re all trained in martial arts combat so we can kick anyone’s arse within seconds. Fuckin’ try me!” Paddy’s threats are cut short at the sound of ‘Sorry’ by Justin Beiber in the background. Paddy checks his Nokia 3310, it’s 9:52pm. “It’s d time a day I dread. Pre drinks time.” We follow him to apartment 4 in house 26 which is the source of the noise. He joins his hands into a finger gun as he leans against the door and listens. “I’ll busht dese pres like I bushted the heads off those cunts who said ‘Londonderry’ the other day”. The door is kicked in, Paddy swiftly moves in and orders everyone at the unauthorised gathering to “get on the fuckin’ ground or so help me god, there’ll be bloodshed!” By 9:57pm everyone has been interrogated and has had their UCards scanned by Paddy’s hawk eyes. “I’m an absolute legend” Paddy says to himself as he writes up 50 euro fines for everyone there.

It’s time on our schedule to go see Campus Security HQ at an undisclosed location. As we remove our blindfolds, we’re face to face with the General. We were forced to sign a secrecy contract so for many reasons (some probably illegal), we cannot give full details of the conversation that takes place.

When the memory eraser we think was used wears off we find ourselves without any shoes in the forest near Glenomena, and decide we have enough energy for one last interview. A figure in a high-vis jacket approaches us as they shine a bright torch in our faces. “Who are yous and what are yis doing on my turf?” We present ourselves as the journalists assigned to interview the Campus Security force, and after a long, cold, soul-crushing stare, we are allowed to speak to the remaining member of the elite squad. “My name’s Kyle and I’m an alcoholic. No wait – that’s not on til tomorrow, I’m Kyle and I’m another legend here.” “Those shrubs in Glenomena? Passed out in them all. I understand these kids here, they all enjoy the sesh, but I LOVE it. Most posts in Humans of the Sesh are based on my experiences!” Kyle pulls out what looks like a 25 bag of weed and begins rolling a joint in front of us as we decide to head off.

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